On Pairings: Zelda
by LostInHyrule
Summary: This is a fic for everyone out there who hates horrible pairings in Zelda! We'll discuss pairings from SariaxLink[Pedophilia], to NavixLink![I don't even know what to make of this one...] Written with the people the the forum BZRPs! Huge Controversy! READ
1. Chapter 1: NavixLink

**On Pairings: Zelda**

**Chapter 1: NavixLink**

Due to popular demand, (Well, from people in Bunch A' Zelsa RPs anyway...) here it is! The infamous start to what's bound to be a popular Fic, "On Pairings: Zelda!" We're going to discuss all sorts of pairings here! Well, stupid ones anyway! From SariaxLink (Pedophilia) to MalonxLink (Raunchy farm-girl no-no) to NavixLink (...I don't even know what to make of this one), if you dislike Romance in fics, or think that there's some really stupid pairings out there, you'll love "On Pairings: Zelda!"

Every episode of "On Pairings" I will take a few guest stars from the Forum "Bunch 'A Zelsa RPs" and make them come to the On Pairings Studio. There, we will discuss said pairing in lunatic style!

Today's guest-stars will be... Skatare-Din, Imagination's Dream, and Pikmin-Manga-Nayru! Give it up for them! Okay, not really. Because none of you care about them. You all came to see LostInHyrule! Your great and talented host, talk about stupid Zelda Pairings! So, since that's what you came for, let me tell you a bit about myself... okay, not. That's not what you can for. What you came for was to hear me bash pairings to my heart's content. Or your eyes content. Whichever comes first.

**DISCLAIMER:** If you are some mild-mannered, romance loving, hippie peace-freak who enjoys reading Zelda Romance, flee for your life right now. You will hate this fic so bad, you will most likely flame it. I welcome flames! I really do! But not from people who actually like romance. Also, if you like fics that aren't stupid, you're also out of luck. THIS FIC IS MAXIMUM STUPID! That's the disclaimer. No, the disclaimer isn't going to talk about how I don't own Zelda. How do you know I don't own Zelda? For all you know, I might own Zelda. -Sigh- But alas, I don't own Zelda. Nintendo does. There! I said it! Happy!? Good! Wait... you're not happy? Well, you will be after reading this chapter of "On Pairings: Zelda!"

Let the story commence!

**LostInHyrule: **"Hello, my guests! Skatare-Din, Imagination's Dream, and Pikmin-Manga-Nayru! Tell me, why are you here at the "On Pairings Studios?" What drives you to hate NavixLink as much as me?"

**Skatare-Din: **"Hello Lost! What's up?"

**LostInHyrule: **"Not much, not much. How are you? Don't' answer that. I don't care. Just answer my previous question."

**Skatare-Din: **"Well, I think most anyone will agree with me that Navi is a huge nag! I don't think anyone wants to hear about Navi's thoughts or needs... even if they were married to her!"

**LostInHyrule: **"So the first bad issue with NavixLink is that a guy with rugged good looks – and a hook nose – gets a nag!"

**Imagination's Dream: ** "Um... don't' forget they're different species!"

**LostInHyrule: **"Yes, we mustn't forget that. She's also Psycho!"

**Skatare-Din: **"She should be put in rehab!"

**LostInHyrule: **"Rehab? No, that's where you put people on drugs. Navi goes to the Asylum. Wait... how do we know Navi's not on drugs? She might be. That could explain her random fits of nagginess. Or it could be that she's telling the truth about having Stupid-Naggy-Syndrome."

**Imagination's Dream: **"So now we think she's a liar too? Maybe we should cut her a break... OR NOT!"

**LostInHyrule: **"Maybe you should head to the Asylum with Navi there, Imagination's Dream. Who I will refer to as ID from now on. And I've been thinking... I'll write a beautiful love story between Link and Navi! But it will end in tragedy..."

_"And Link leaned closer to his little fairy girlfriend on the beach. Her warm breath smelled rancid in his face, but he didn't care. He leaned in to kiss her, and closed his eyes... He inhaled... and started to choke! He fought and fought, and he was eventually able to swallow. He turned back to Navi... but she wasn't there! He thought she had ran away from him. He was very sad._

_Link slept very poorly that night. He thought his girlfriend had run away. He was very sad. He was going to go out and look for her, but he knew he had to use the bathroom first."_

_He quietly, sadly, slumped to the bathroom, where he promptly took a crap. He found her digested carcass in the toilet."_

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"Sniff. That was really beautiful."

**LostInHyrule: **"You've been rather quiet, Pikmin-Manga-Nayru. Who I'll call Manga from now on. What are you thinking about?"

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"Nothing."

**LostInHyrule: **"I'm not surprised. Anyway, ID, what are your thoughts on this?"

**Imagination's Dream: **I could make a NxL work! It will be horrible, but it shall work!!! Muawhahahahaha my creation will crush towns! Burn houses! And scare the crap out of all!! Muwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!! The NxL will be my first step towards world domination!!!!"

**Skatare-Din: **"Back to the Asylum for you."

**Imagination's Dream: **"I don't have a problem!"

**Skatare-Din: **"Bye! Get sane soon!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"Sadly, Skatare, sanity is something I have yet to learn the meaning of, and" -looks at man in white coat that has come to take her to the Asylum- "I was joking! Gosh!" -Watches man in white coat walk away sadly-

**Captain-Tonks-Ferore: **-Climbs out of seats- "Let me on the show! I have an idea for a NavixLink story! Completely realistic!" 

**LostInHyrule: **"Okay... Shoot! But do it quick, before the security guards come take you away."

**Captain-Tonks-Ferore: **"Okay, here it is...

_Link and Navi are going fishing on their honeymoon. Navi sits down next to the box of tackle and bait, and watches Link fish dreamily. Then, Malon, very jealous, runs up and knocks Navi into the box of tackle and bait, rendering her unconscious! Link absent-mindedly skews Navi on the hook, and throws it into the water. Link feels a bite only moments later! He starts to pull up on the rod, and gets closer and closer... but the fish gets away! Link's very sad. He pulls up his fishing rod, and half of a Navi is on the hook! He knows his wife has been eaten by a Hylian Loach. He doesn't care; he gets with Malon, goes to Vegas, and lives a fun life."_

**LostInHyrule: **"Bravo! Sounds very good! Does anyone else have any ideas?"

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"Oh I've got one!

**LostInHyrule: **"Fire away!"

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru:** "Okay...

_Navi and Link go on a camping trip, and when they are roasting marshmallows. Navi cuddles up near Link and falls asleep happy. Then Link accidently puts her on the stick and roasts her!" _

**LostInHyrule: **"You guys all have sick minds. I like it!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"I will use NavixLink to rule the world!"

**LostInHyrule: **"Elaborate."

**Skatare-Din:** "Yes, please, elaborate."

**LostInHyrule: **"You have no idea what elaborate means, do you?"

**Skatare-Din: **"Not a clue."

**Imagination's Dream: **"I will write a NavixLink story seriously, broadcast it all over the world, and then wait... for everyone's eyes to bleed! Then, with their eyes crusted over in blood, I will strike with my army of insane people and rule the world!"

**LostInHyrule: **"Good idea ID! I'll remember to laugh at you when you fail!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"Thank- hey!"

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"Or, he could get married, be nagged to near-death, and then hire an assassin to kill Navi!"

**Skatare-Din: **"But if they were married, wouldn't Link "love" Navi?"

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"Hmm... good point..."

**LostInHyrule: **"I don't think anyone would marry Navi on purpose. It would have to have been a pre-arranged marriage."

**Skatare-Din: **"Very true!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"Or a cruel, sick joke. Or something done for the better good."

**LostInHyrule: **"I think you mean 'for the _greater_ good.' Oh no! I just said something communist! I'll have to flee the country now!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"Did I tell you about this horrible pairing I came across in a forum once?"

**LostInHyrule: **"Tell me as the closing words for this chapter, as this is a NavixLink chapter and I must flee the country."

**Imagination's Dream: **"GanondorfxLink!"

**Skatare-Din: **"The horror!"

**LostInHyrule: **"I just booked my plane ticket to Russia. See you guys later!"


	2. Chapter 2: GanondorfxLink

**On Pairings: Zelda**

**Chapter 2: GanonxLink**

**LostInHyrule: **Hello all! And welcome back to "On Pairings: Zelda"! I thank everyone who read the first chapter, making it my most popular first chapter ever done! That's right; 8 reviews in one day is a record for my stories. I thank you all!

My cast of guests this chapter has expanded, including hiring an... ANALYZER! No, you didn't hear me wrong. Evil Riggs will now be our official analyzer of the pairing. Our guests will be Imagination's Dream, for suggesting the chapter, Pikmin-Manga-Nayru, Skatare-Din, and possibly Captain-Tonks-Ferore if she jumps out of the stands again.

**Captain-Tonks-Ferore: **"I might. What's it too ya?"

**LostInHyrule: **"I'm not against it. Anyway, what are all of your thoughts on this Yaoi favorite?"

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"It makes me want to puke, that's what."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Ever sense I came across that pairing, I've been emotionally disturbed. More-so than normal. So, it should burn in the fiery pits of hell."

**LostInHyrule: **"If it disturbs you, why would you suggest it?"

**Imagination's Dream: **"'Cause I felt like it."

**Evil Riggs: **"I'm here to analyze."

**LostInHyrule: **"Analyze away!"

**Evil Riggs: **"First off, some factoids: Yaoi is a largely female genre. I have no statistics to back up the claim, but scroll through the profiles of some Yaoi fanfic writers or artists sometime - you'll find a significant (and I use the word scientifically) portion have two X chromosomes. This is counter-intuitive to me, but makes a certain kind of sense when you shift into Yaoi's established tropes. Yaoi seems to be about two parts romanticized love story, one part pornographic titillation, and several parts dreamy wish fulfillment. There are always two main characters - an established Top and an established Bottom. The Top is hyper-masculine, and the Bottom is feminized to the point where he may as well BE a woman."

**LostInHyrule: **"You're putting a lot of thought into this."

**Evil Riggs: **"With these thoughts in mind, let us examine the Link/Ganon pair as a pitch-perfect example of the species. Having only read one or two stories of this type and generally gotten what Strongbad calls "the jibblies" when I've run across similarly-themed art, my expertise is admittedly limited. Still, I think that any exceptions will only prove the rule. Ganon is the established Top of the relationship, as he is huge, rugged, and masculine. Link essentially becomes a fey, twinkish FairyBoy in these stories. This is no worn Twilight Princess Hero - this is a stand-in for sleek boy or girlhood. It's a complete reinvention of the character to conform to a certain sexual stereotype."

"Of course, contortions must be made for the two unlikely lovers to fall into each other's arms. The story I'm most familiar with (and I wish to God that I wasn't) has Ganondorf capture Link and rape him, after which point they fall in love and live . . . Oh whatever. Screw that. You lost me at the rape scene."

**LostInHyrule: **"What's the name of that story?"

**Evil Riggs: **"It's called "The Wrong Place at the Wrong Time", and I'll get you a link later. But let me continue my analyzation.

"Herein is the ultimate fallacy of this and all stories that contain a "CharacterxOtherCharacterTeeHee" tag in their description. If two characters end up falling in love and/or making the beast with two backs, it better make some goddamn sense. Link/Ganon fails automatically because of this; once the two of them hook up, it's not really about The Legend of Zelda anymore. These characters look and perhaps even sound familiar, yes, but they are NOT the characters. The signifier is the same, but the signified is considerably different. Really, once you've crossed that line, the idea of even writing within that universe is at best farcical and at worst naive and hopelessly weird. This is wish fulfillment and titillation. Link isn't Link - he's a straw puppet signifying "Gay Displacement" or "Female Struggling With Sexual Desires." Ganon is just another "Bad Boy Sex God," just waiting for the right girl - sorry, BOY - to redeem him. These are well-trod and cliche-ridden paths."

**LostInHyrule: **"Gosh, Evil Riggs. You really put a lot of thought into your presentation, and I think you hit right on the money on every point! Maybe we could get a Link to that story that was GanonxLink that you read? And in the meantime... does anyone have any scenarios for a good GanonxLink story like we did last chapter?"

**Evil Riggs: **"For historical purposes: http://www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/s/2572682/1/

**LostInHyrule: ** "Thank you. It has come to my attention that you have left him some reviews. May I post them?"

**Evil Riggs:** "Be my guest."

**LostInHyrule: **Chapter 1:

I'll have a more rounded commentary once I've read further. Nothing is more annoying than hearing critiques on issues that have long been fixed. That said, you have one of the most hilarious typo's ever here: "He Ganon wears amour" :D

Chapter 2:

"Blood spurts from the body and unto Gannon's amour." Cue the roflcopter. You're killing me, Ann.Author

I promised myself that I would wait until at least Chapter 3 before launching into whatever gripes I find - then there's at least an arbitrary 16 chapters of stuff I don't know about that you can cite. I have no idea why I chose this number. Anyway, after this chapter I felt that I needed to vent a little.

There's so much wrong here. The tenses change mid-sentence; sentences run on through several actions and ideas before coming to a period; characters appear with little introduction and disappear just as quickly (Impa); synonyms not caught by Spell Check abound ("thrown" instead of "throne").

An entire city is sacked and massacred in the space of a paragraph to little fanfare. Ganon (or Gannon) creates his fortress (complete with lava moat) in what appears to be about a span of five minutes. Again, no fanfare.

I see that you aren't a "detail writer," and that's cool. All the same, slow down. You seem to be rushing toward The Gay Sex with such haste that major, terrible events are literally glossed over. An entire kingdom meets its ruin, and I can only imagine cross-cutting to those bored lizardmen, playing cards.

This isn't irredeemable. It's just very, very annoying. I'd suggest a whole another chapter (at least) devoted to Hyrule's fall. There's good potential there. Also, edit like your life depends on it, even after running Spell Check. Simple mistakes can take a reader right out of the story.

Chapter 3:

I'll give you this: At least you hold the Big Rape Scene off until the third chapter. Too many stories posted around these parts rush pell-mell into their respective, self-justifying sex scenes. You at least know to establish some suspense going up to what I assume is the first of many icky scenes of... yeah. Good job on conveying the grotesquerie of the scene as well.

More to come. Ha-ha, I have made a pun.

Chapter 4:

What, what, what.

So Link knows Zelda and an apparently separate Sheikah? It seemed to me that he was a stranger to the royal family at the beginning of the story.

That Link slept at all is bogus - the kid just had his lowest guts shredded. He should be in shock at the very least, quivering with trauma. He's scared here, but I don't buy the level he's displaying.

Also, those silk sheets are ruined.

Chapter 5:

We veer directly into The Realm of Porno Logic here, and frankly it's creepy and jarring. You're asking me to start sympathizing with a genocidal rapist. Saying that Gannon does what he does for love is like saying Frau Gobbles was a good mother. "Sorry children, but I'm going to have to kill you all with cyanide, because I do not want you to live in a world without the Reich. I LOVE YOU." Parallel: "Link, don't worry that I raped you and butchered thousands of your compatriots. I LOVE YOU."

Pardon the Nazi analogy.

Anyway, when is this even supposed to take place? After Ocarina? During? It seemed like a whole new take, based on Ocarina, but apparently Link is infamous as an adventurer already. And knows Zelda/Sheik/whoever. But is a total candy-$$

Yes, this is indeed Yaoi Country.

Chapter 6:

Sweet Jesus.

**LostInHyrule: **"If I may give an analyzation of Riggs' chain of reviews, you will notice that he begins polite, gets more and more annoyed, and gives up at chapter 6 and says only "Sweet Jesus." This either shows how fast this story can deteriorate your mind, or Riggs was being polite until that point. You decide."

**Imagination's Dream:** "Oh god. Someone make those reviews go away! They're gonna make me barf! -shudders- Wait, I just bashed/flamed that review... Cool! Well, I must go cleanse my mind with books that are very good to read. -starts to read Eldest which just came in the mail yesterday-

**LostInHyrule: **"Eldest... good book. Anyway, scenarios anyone?"

**Shaded-Manga-Nayru: **"Ah... no. Um... I got nothing."

**LostInHyrule: **"Must I do everything?"

_Link is getting married to Zelda. At the wedding, Zelda gets cold feet and runs off to another place. Link goes back to his apartment, very disappointed and depressed, where he finds Ganon sitting on his couch! He draws his sword, but Ganon tells him it's okay. Link puts down his weapons suspiciously, and then Ganon jumps up on top of Link! Link's weapons fall to the ground, and he and Ganon begin to share a passionate kiss... until Link finds his dagger and kills Ganon._

"It's cripplingly sad, yet undeniably realistic and probable."

**Captain-Tonks-Ferore: **-Jumps out of stands- "I've got one!"

_Ganondorf finally gets a great idea for destroying Link. Being the King of the Gerudos, he can choose any soul-mate that he wants, and he chooses Link. Link is devastated but puts up with it under the wishes of Zelda, who plots to destroy Ganon.As Link and Ganondorf are living "happily" Ganondorf is trying to kill Link at any moment, though Link is somehow escaping death by the skin of his teeth._

**LostInHyrule: **"Wow, Tonks. That was solidly the worst little skit I've ever heard."

**Captain-Tonks-Ferore: **"Say what?"

**Imagination's Dream: **"He's flaming your story idea."

**LostInHyrule: **"_Flame_ is such a dirty word. But essentially, yes,"

**Captain-Tonks-Ferore: **"I still don't know what _flaming_is, anyway."

**Imagination's Dream: **"It's basically insulting someone's story."

**Captain-Tonks-Ferore: **"Oh."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Help me! I'm being dragged into the shadows! Help! Help!"

**Skatare-Din: **"Maybe we should create our own asylum for just Imagination's Dream and Navi?"

**Captain-Tonks-Ferore: **"Screw that, it sounds like work."

**Skatare-Din: **"True..."

**LostInHyrule: **"Back on topic, people."

**Imagination's Dream: **"But the topic's stupid! It's disturbing."

**LostInHyrule: **"Think it's disturbing now? Read the end of chapter 3 of the Ganon story."

http://www(DOT)fanfiction(DOT)net/s/2572682/3/

not copy and paste that link to your web browser if you are UNDER THE AGE OF 18! It's emotionally disturbing to people older, but younger you're just going to kill yourself after reading it. You've been warned.

**A few minutes later...**

**Imagination's Dream: **-Sniff- -Sob- -is crying from link to fic out of horror- "Though..." –sobs- "Link to the story..." –Sob- "F-f-f-f-fanfic..." –Cry- "That lost gave..." –Sigh- "I'm never going to be alright inside again."

**LostInHyrule: **"Hey, I warned ya! It's absolutely vile and stupid. I knew I would need therapy from it, so I thought, 'Hey? Why not scar another kid?' "

**Skatare-Din: **"Well it worked! I'm dead inside now, Lost! Thanks a lot!"

**LostInHyrule: **"On that note, I close the chapter. I thank you all for reading. Don't open the link if you value your sanity!"


	3. Chapter 3: TinglexLink

**On Pairings: Zelda**

**Chapter 3: LinkxTingle**

**LostInHyrule: "**I've crossed over to the dark side. I never thought I'd do this, and I've always hated the people who have. But... I'm going to answer my reviews right here. Here goes..."

_Mr. Anonymous: _Hello. I'm sad you didn't review me signed; I would have liked to have a real conversation with you in PMs. But to answer your question, which was: why?

You could ask this of just about any author on this site. Maybe a few, like Fierce Deity or Paper Bear, would say "To write good literature." But the majority will say "To have fun and get reviews!" I'm not in the boat for "Good literature." I'm here to entertain people, and I think I'm doing my job. Oh, and about the, "It's not funny" thing, I have about 8 other reviewers who disagree with you.

_To werner jules: _I'm sorry, but I really have no clue what to make of that review.

_To Temeraire: _Upon making this story, I didn't know script stories were illegal. I just skimmed the guidelines, honestly. I retained a lot of it, but most of it slipped my mind. Thank you for not reporting me.

_To Rift: _I want you to know something: I don't dislike pairings simply because they are "Slash" pairings. I have nothing against gays. I think they have the right to make their own decisions in their life, and that the rest of us should stay out of it. However, I am bashing some Slash Zelda-pairings because of the complete disregard for canon in these pairings. I don't bash them simply because they're gay.

And to wrap it up: I won't be bashing ZeLink or MaLink at any point in this story. If I do a chapter on them, it will be discussing; not bashing. And I'd also like to thank you all for making this by far my most popular story yet, with 27 reviews in only 2 chapters! And now, on to the story. Sorry to bore you there.

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**LostInHyrule: "**Hello and welcome back to the infamous talk show "On Pairings!" Today's pairing is our infamous Link, paired with our ever-so-creepy Fairy-loving friend, Tingle! First-off, let's give this pairing a name; I go for "Tink" to symbolize TinglexLink!

"Here's a our list of guests for today: Imagination's Dream, Skatare-Din, Pikmin-Manga-Nayru, our Analyzer Evil Riggs, and Captain-Tonks-Ferore if she jumps out of the crowd again!

"So, my good friends. What are your thoughts on this pairing?"

**Imagination's Dream: **"It will be hard for me to give you thoughts, as I'm still thoroughly scarred from last chapter. You make me sick, Lost... Oh yeah. Pairings thing. TinglexLink. Better then GanonxLink, I must say. Less disturbing. No –gags- sick things."

**Skatare-Din: **"I hate you, Lost..."

**LostInHyrule: **"And why is that?"

**Skatare-Din: **"For what you put me through last chapter..."

**LostInHyrule: **"Oh. You're welcome."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Back on topic: this pairing is just plain gross. But hey! Come to think of it, I think NavixTingle would work out very well... we would call it Ningle..."

**LostInHyrule: **"They would have to have met in the asylum, where they both belong. But let's stay with our real pairing here: LinkxTingle.

There used to be an entire thread in a forum somewhere dedicated to LinkxTingle. The thread has since been deleted, along with the entire forum hosting it, but I remember some of the points the author made to support "Tink."

-They were both outsiders coming to Termina.

-They both love the color green.

-They both like fairies.

-One has a fairy, the other desperately wants a fairy.

"And I think there were more points, but I can't remember them."

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: "**Whoever supports that is:

1) Very, very sick in the head, and/or;

2) Badly needs some sense knocked into them.

Hmm... I can arrange the second one! -Readies frying Pan-

**LostInHyrule: **"I would need to find out the name of the person before you could hit them."

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"Would you?"

**LostInHyrule: **"I'll try."

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"Yay! I love hitting people!"

**LostInHyrule: **"I'm going to move away from you on the bench, then. And alas; there is no way to trace the name of the person so you can hit him/her. Too bad."

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"Dang it! But I have a stupid short story for TinglexLink! Here it is:"

_Link and Tingle get together and what not, but Tingle's constant talk of fairies makes Link get annoyed. And so he shoves Navi in Tingles mouth and leaves. Tingle is at first sad that his "soul mate" is gone, but them spits Navi out and is happy again, cause he thinks Navi was a gift and thinks that Link still -Shutters- 'loves' him. Then he completely forgets about Link and begins nagging Navi, even worse than when Navi does it to Link, making her commit suicide, so Tingle gets sad again and starts chasing Link down._

**LostInHyrule: **"You're right. That was short and stupid. And realistic. But it wasn't really... 'Tink' quality."

**Pikmin-Manga-Nayru: **"Yep. But that's all I got."

**Imagination's Dream: **...I'm not even gonna try my hand at writing a scene. This pairing is stupid. 'Nuf said."

**Skatare-Din: **"I completely agree with you, ID!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"I think anyone could agree with that!"

**Skatare-Din: **"And if they don't, we can admit them to that Asylum we created earlier in the story!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"Then we'll head off to therapy."

**LostInHyrule: **"Another scene, but the all-powerful me:"

_Link comes to Termina to find his dear friend, Navi. He then is forced to go on a long quest to destroy Majora and save Termina from the Moon. When he does, he sets off to find Navi again. But he finds something better; a perfectly matching soul mate. _

On a visit to Great Bay, he's practicing his archery, when he accidentally shoots a balloon out of the sky. Tingle then falls out of the sky onto Link! The two of them fall in love and head back to Hyrule.

**Skatare-Din: **-Twitch- "Very good..." –Twitch-

**LostInHyrule: **"Hey Skatare. Do you by any chance have... a facial tick?"

**Skatare-Din: **"Not usually. But last chapter..."

**Imagination's Dream: **"I think I've finally gotten over the last chapter... YAY!!! I'VE BEEN CURED!!! Oh, back on topic. Um...hm...uh... I got it! Wait... no... I don't. Darn..."

**LostInHyrule: **"You've been cured? That's good for you. Any more scenarios? Okay... let's get Evil Riggs in here to do the analyzation."

**Evil Riggs: **"Me? I'd be honored.

"This is a joke pairing. There's no rhyme or reason to it, unless it's, like, some hidden fetish for pot-bellied men. Maybe it's a channeling of the whole "bear" section of the gay community into fan fiction. Even that makes little sense.

Seriously, I got nothing."

**LostInHyrule: **"The day is sad when we spot a pairing that even Evil Riggs can't pull the rhyme and reason out of. And for most people, this pairing is a joke. But that one person actually believed the two could work out..."

**Imagination's Dream: **"I've got bashers block."

**LostInHyrule: **"Then let's replace you!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"You can't replace me! Seriously, you can't though. You'd be down one person. You can't afford that now can you? And, sense I'm no good at writing and bashing guyXguy scenes, I'll have to wait for a girlXguy pairing to bash the ideas out of. Meaning, I'll flood you with crazy ideas next chapter."

**LostInHyrule: **"I'm going to hold you to that."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Can I ask you a favor, Lost? If you actually find a TinglexLink fic, don't post it. I don't want to go blind _again._"

**LostInHyrule: **"It's okay, ID. I've already tried, and could not find a _serious_ TinglexLink story. I'm sorry. Here's another scenario."

_Tingle was going home from Termina and found himself in Kokiri Forest. He stole a kiss from Link while Link was in his bed in the dark, without Link getting a chance to see, and ran away. Link tried to solve the mystery of who kissed him that day for the rest of his life... he died without knowing._

**Imagination's Dream: **"That's not a happy ending. Let me think..."

_It was a tragic day for Link. First, his love, Navi, ran off with his other love, Tingle. Then Ganon killed them both out of jealously. Link was traumatized by all this, and from that point on, hated Ganon with every fiber of his being for killing Navi and Tingle._

"Ah-ha! All 3 chapters rolled into one!"

**LostInHyrule: **"Hmm... clever, ID."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Thank ya, Lost."

**LostInHyrule: **"Don't you think it's odd that the day we're making this is St. Patrick's day, and Tingle wears green?"

**Skatare-Din: **"It's even odder that we're publishing it almost a week later."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Kinda..."

**LostInHyrule: **"Kinda? It's downright odd! Like you!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"I'm not odd. I'm weird. There's a difference, just look at my profile. It explains it all."

**LostInHyrule: **"Ah yes- I saw that."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Yup. I know, 'cuz I think you put it on your profile too. And WeirdUnique, so I'm unique. But I could also be called odd... hm... I need to think this over." -starts thinking-

**LostInHyrule: **"Don't think too hard and hurt yourself, like last time." –Smiles- "I've got a lot of crud on my profile, but none of it's that."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Hm... then who was it who put that on their pro... might be the person who has me on their fav. author(ess) list..."

**LostInHyrule: **"How many do?"

**Imagination's Dream: **"I'm on the fav's list of one person."

**LostInHyrule: **"Modesty prevents me from telling how many people have me on their favorites list."

**Imagination's Dream: **"You lost your modesty by saying that right now."

**Skatare-Din: **"I am only just now trying to come up with a Fanfic... that is what we're talking about, is it not?"

**LostInHyrule: **"Yes."

**Imagination's Dream: **"I see this is becoming very random. Should we end the chapter?"

**LostInHyrule: **"One more situation... Skatare!"

**Skatare-Din: **"Okay..."

_Link was going up to Tingle's tower. The sun was setting in the background. Link reaches the top expecting to see his beloved Tingle when he realizes that no one is up there. (Except for the creeps who spin the wheel.) Link extremely sad goes to climb down the ladder. When he steps on the first rung, he hears a pathetic cry of pain. He looks back and sees that he had stepped on Tingles hand. Link immediately stepped off the wrung, but what he didn't realize was that Tingle was being held up by Link's foot, and when he moved Tingle fell to his tragic death. This left Link to wander the seas and to go save Tetra/Zelda._

**LostInHyrule: **"Very good! And on that note, I end the chapter. See you all next time!"


	4. Chapter 4: RutoxLink

**On Pairings: Zelda**

**Chapter 4: RutoxLink**

**LostInHyrule: **"Hello, and welcome to our next installment on "On Pairings: Zelda!" I hope you guys enjoy this chapter a lot! However, I'm going to do that review-reply thingy once or twice first...

_Dot: _In response to your review: "_INSTANT MESSENGER COPYPASTA MUCH?" _

Instant Messenger? What? And I'm sorry to say, Mr. Dot, that I am _not_ a noodle-imitator. In other words, I don't copy pasta. Sorry. I think my writing is better than that of Pasta. Don't you?

_SkiKissedWindKnight: _Your review absolutely made my day. I thank you a lot.

_DarkGannon: _Yes, I know. Also, GANNON-BANNED!

_Chaotic Serenity: _Thank you for your review. I realize that the way I'm doing this might hinder the point slightly, but most of my forum mates wouldn't really know how to properly explore it anyway. Evil Riggs' analysis' will be about as close as you'll get to a _real_ debate.

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**LostInHyrule: **"Hello and welcome to the fourth chapter of "On Pairings: Zelda!" This chapter was suggested by Writin' Dude, so I thank him. We will be having a lot of guests today, presumably: Skatare-Din, Imagination's Dream, Writin' Dude, Ahumatae, our analysist Evil Riggs, and Captain-Tonks-Ferore; this time a real guest."

**Captain-Tonks-Ferore: **"Yay! My desperate please for attention by jumping out of the stands worked!"

**LostInHyrule: **"Maybe next chapter we should cut down on guests so everyone can tell what's going on. But no matter. I would like to tell you all that On Pairings: Zelda has received 37 reviews in its first 3 chapters and is therefore the most popular of my fics BY FAR. It's got fewer reviews than Diaries of Majora's Mask (55) but Diaries of Majora's Mask has 7 chapters.

"First, on-topic: thoughts on the pairing?"

**Skatare-Din: **"This is a very interesting topic. I am very glad to say that I will shortly have a ton of ideas."

**LostInHyrule: **"You mean you don't have any now?"

**Writin' Dude: **"Anyway, this seems to be a pairing for people who like rated M stories, and want to pair Link up with a hot naked lady. Needless to say, I don't think we should post up any story links for this."

**LostInHyrule: **"Dually noted. I don't want Skatare to hate me any more than she does."

**Imagination's Dream: **"This pairing isn't the best, but it's not the worst either. If someone were to write a very well written fic from this pairing, it might turn out ok.

Hmm... It seems as we leave 'yaoi country', as Riggs calls it, I lose bitterness towards the pairings."

**LostInHyrule: **"Hang on a sec. I thought you said before that you could only successfully bash non-Yaoi pairings; now you're saying you can't bash them? Make up your mind, ID!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"I just don't like the whole Yaoi thing. Bashing it would take to much time because it would end up as a rant about something very off topic. How you ask? I do not know, but that's what happens. And, most of the non-yaoi pairings I have no problem with. But, the ones I do I can bash the life and after-life out of.

**LostInHyrule: **"Ah. I think I get it. Anyway, since our analyzer is late, situations? Anyone?"

**Writin' Dude: **"I'm drawing a blank."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Fine, I'll do it."

_Ruto sat on the throne in Zora Domain, depressed, and sickened after seeing her reflection in the water below. Nothing could bring her out of her misery- well, that's what she though. Hearing foot steps, she looked up and saw none other than Link. Her mood was lifted, but then, almost as if a nightmare happened, her father came rolling through the entrance to the throne room. Rolling was how he got around, of course. He then ran over Link, squishing him flat. Ruto was devastated. And later committed suicide and became fish sticks from some hungry kindergarteners._

**LostInHyrule: **"Nice going, ID! I like your idea on how King Zora gets around."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Why, thank you."

**Evil Riggs: **"I'm here! And I'll do my analyzation now.

"Nintendo brought this one upon themselves. The older Ruto is the one of the first obviously sexualized characters in the Zelda universe, a shapely siren in a come-hither pose. It doesn't take much for the target audience to connect the dots on those strange new masses, and suddenly it's a party in their pants and everyone's invited.

It's best not to think about this one too hard. If you do, even the most repressed logic begins to rebel. After all, this is a cross-species couple; no matter what countless science fiction shows of dubious background may say, this will not end well. The whole thing smacks of the furry/otherkin mentality, with anthropomorphized animals standing in for any number of sexual displacements and neuroses. I can only imagine the fate of this relationship as being very similar to the one detailed in the Futurama episode "Hail, Atlanta!"

I need a drink."

**LostInHyrule: **"Um, well... thank you very much. Story from the all-powerful me:

_Link was going to the water temple. He was miserable. The dungeon was hard, and boring. Then he saw Ruto there, after wandering for hours. She comforted him, and she told him to come with her. He swam up there, hoping for find Ruto waiting for him, but he found her disembodied head at the top of the stairs. _

This part of the actual story was removed from "Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time" because it was an E-Rated game. But what did YOU think happened to her? She just disappeared?

**Ahumatae: **"Was that really removed from the storyline, or did you make that up?"

**LostInHyrule: **"It wasn't removed from the storyline. Just from the animation."

**Ahumatae: **"Okay. I'm going to try my hand at one of those situation thingies. Bear with me.

_Ruto was sad. Her wannabe girlfriend, Navi, ditched her for Tingle, who ditched her for Ganondorf, who ditched him for Link, Ruto's wannabe boyfriend, who ran away, because Ganondork scared him. Then, her father made an arranged marriage, and the guy she married was hot, and she forgot about Link and Navi. THE END_

**LostInHyrule: **"Sorry, but I really didn't follow a word of that."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Back on the headless Ruto thing, if it was part of the original storyline... why did they take it out?"

**LostInHyrule: **"Have you not been listening to me, woman? Because it needed to be an E-Rated game!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"It should be in the game. And I thought the game was rated T..."

**LostInHyrule: **"It would have been rated T, had that been in the game."

**Skatare-Din: **"Okay! I've got one! Finally!"

_Ruto was standing on the edge of the water. She desperately wanted Link to come back to her...Just then she heard footsteps behind her. It was Link. He said: "Ruto I have come back to take you as my hot and fishlike bride"  
Ruto was overpowered with joy and ran over too Link to hug him. "That is if your fat father agrees," Link said smiling down at her. _

_"I don't think he will mind." Just as Ruto said that she remembered her fat father saying something about an arranged marriage with a hot Zora. She said: "Sorry Link but my new fiancé is really hot, and that means fewer complications for me anyway!"...She said this and then jumped into the water, leaving Link to cry and wish he could go back to Zelda, whom he dumped for Ruto. _

**Imagination's Dream: **"Yay Skatare for finally writing something!"

**LostInHyrule: **"Yay RutoxLink story!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"I just realized. After reading all those reviews for On Pairings: Zelda... God, I'm such a blonde. Wait. Focus. I just realized that this fic might offend some people. So, next chapter, let's talk about a normal pairing and not bash? Like ZeldaxLink?"

**LostInHyrule: **"You hadn't realized that this fic offended some people? Did the "Huge controversy!" clause in the summary not catch your eye? It's got six flames, for crying out loud!"

**Imagination's Dream: **"I didn't read the summary, I skimmed the reviews the first time, and I'm a blonde... connect the dots."

**Skatare-Din: **"I knew it offended some people."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Well, I assumed it would too, just... not that much. So next chapter, let's lay-off the bashing, and talk about a good pairing."

**LostInHyrule: **"Aww... you guys sure? I like the bashing ones... well, if you guys insist, the next chapter can be ZeLink non-bashing. However, we're still going to make funny scenarios. Anyway, where's Writin' Dude? He hasn't got back from that restroom break yet."

**Skatare-Din: **"I don't know... maybe security wouldn't let him in."

**Imagination's Dream: **"Or the bouncer didn't think he was 'cool' enough."

**Skatare-Din: **"Yeah, it's possible. Because you know _we're _all so cool..."

**LostInHyrule: **"Just because you all know me."

**Skatare-Din: **-Deadpanned- "Yeah, Lost, you're just so awesome... back on topic, does anyone have any more situations?"

**LostInHyrule: **

_Ruto is banished from Zora's Domain because she's so stupid, and she gives the Zora's a bad name. She goes to Kokiri Forest, where she finds Link sleeping in his bed. She knocks on the door, and Link sees her. He remembers her, and he jumps out the window. He cuts himself open in a million places, and breaks both his legs jumping out of the tree house. He goes into a coma. _

Ruto takes him to the Kokiri Hospital and stays there till he's nursed back to health. If she hadn't brought him there, he would have died. He is eternally grateful, so he marries her. He later remembers this was a stupid move, but can't divorce due to Zora divorce-laws.

**Imagination's Dream: **"Aww... cute."

**LostInHyrule: **"This might be one of the only stories of ours where they actually wind up together..."

**Writin' Dude: **"I'm here! I finally snuck past the bouncer. So, here goes nothing..."

_It was a bright sunny day in Zora's domain. Ruto was calmly getting ready to feed Jabu Jabu a fish...when she heard Link call her name! She turned around and ran into his arms. He hugged her tight and said "Ruto...I've been meaning to tell you...I-" But alas, Jabu Jabu was still hungry for the fish Ruto had had. He opened his mouth and sucked in both Ruto and Link. There they slowly died in Jabu Jabu's digestive system. THE END._

**Imagination's Dream: **-Sniff- "At least they died together." -Sniff-

**Skatare-Din: **"That was great, Writin' Dude!"

**Writin' Dude: **"Aw, shucks... everyone's situations this chapter are turning out good! You guys have thought of some funny stuff this chapter!"

**Ahumatae: **-Shrieks-

**LostInHyrule: **"What is it?"

**Ahumatae: **-Shudders- "I just remembered the GanonxLink chapter..."

**Imagination's Dream: **"GanonxLink..." –Twitches- -Shudders- -Goes into fetal position and rocks back and forth-

**Skatare-Din: **"Aww... it's okay, ID."

**Ahumatae: **"Would another good story cheer you up?"

_Link was running to Lake Hylia. He desperately needed to be alone after Zelda turned down his marriage proposal. Link thought...and thought... until he realized that he didn't like that stupid, blonde, royally spoiled brat anyways! Link realized that he like Ruto!  
Of, course at this moment, Ruto's head pops up from the water. Link sees her head in horror, and, thinking his love was dead, committed suicide. Then, the rest of Ruto pulls up, and she say: "Hi Lin- OH MY GOSH! WHAT HAPPENED?!" Since Ruto likes Link, she also commits suicide.  
As it turns out, Link had an extra fairy and didn't die after all. Link looks over at Ruto, and runs so far, he reaches Termina, where he marries Romani. _

**Ahumatae: **"Ah, I could spend DAYS bashing Ruto and Link as a couple!"

**LostInHyrule: **"Good! Then let us continue!"

**Skatare-Din: **

_Link was sitting by Lake Hylia not knowing that his childhood fiancé was lurking in the water nearby. -Dramatic music starts to play- Ruto slowly emerges from the water. Link is petrified with fear; he tries to run but is too late. Ruto drags him down and marries him against his will. THE END!_

**LostInHyrule: **"Very good! I think it's worth mention that that scenario was "In the Style of Jaws."

_Ruto knew that Link didn't like her, even though they were engaged. That was why Link had never gone back to Zora's Domain. But she loved him, so she was going to set out to find them. She spent weeks preparing; calculating every inch of where he could be, rationing her food down to the last day, and planning like a military sergeant. She stepped outside into the large world outside of Zora's Domain to look for Link. She took 2 steps outside of Zora's Domain, and an Octorock shot a rock at her and broke her neck killing her. She never got to be with Link._

**Writin' Dude: **"Hooray for the freaky and tragic situations!"

**Skatare-Din: **"Yes, a nice tragic situation."

**LostInHyrule: **"Yup. Tragedy! MORE SITUATIONS! Wait... I got nothing. Wanna end the chapter?"

**Skatare-Din: **"Yup. Drawing a bashing blank."

**LostInHyrule: **"On that note, let's end the chapter! The next one will be a non-bashing ZeldaxLink chapter, but don't worry; it will be plenty of fun anyway!"


End file.
